Listen up, tricks. I’ve been struggling with something lately, and that something is online dating.
I’m not looking to online date per say, as I’m more than a little bit taken, but I’m not exactly asking for a friend either.
Chances are if you’re a lesbian in Boston you’re on OkCupid right now. Dating sites are so prominent in the queerverse that they rival facebook. OkCupid, or “the cupes” as my friend Jess calls it, is the undisputed leader, at least here on the coast.
Literally every friend I make irl is on this site. Unless their profiles are disabled due to a relationship. At dinner parties they talk about their match, friend, and enemy percentages with each other. It was like an impenetrable secret language. And because I have a very hard time not participating in social conversations I decided to make an account.
The conversation about match percentages felt a little like a math fetish*
Also, the girlfriend has a profile, and I’m a big believer in relationship equality.
Setting up a profile is easy enough. Pick the two decent photos of yourself taken in the last year. Write some bs in the about me section about liking nature and expression and gender subversion and cooking for others (you’ve gotta look marketable). Skills? Easy: listening and giving massages. List movies and books and music that make you look smart but not pretentious. Miles Davis, Lykke Li, The Royal Tenenbaums, Fight Club, anything by Sarah Waters.
A good profile name is essential. My favorite ones are quippy or exuding large quantities of snark and very closely mirror derby names. Betty Rocker. Molly McCut-’er, Helen Killer. My very favorite one is my friend who hails from Shreveport Louisiana (Fangtasia!) and combines both her love of bourbon and passion for urban planning. I won’t say it here because with a profile name like that and charm like hers, she’s probably beating y’all off with a proverbial stick as it is.
Try to write a joke. It’s okay if it’s just a little funny, no one expects you to be Tina Fey. Or even Dane Cook (don’t aim for this). Puns are acceptable.
And then, the questions.
Dearest homos, this site has questions for days. Intimate questions that you not only answer but indicate acceptable answers for potential matches, and then rate the importance of this question to you.
It’s more exhausting than taxes. It’s like a marriage interview. Run by a priest. With your mother in the room. After each honest answer I reevaluated my standing as a good, reasonable, and kind person. And also very intensely worried if I would be judged worthy in the eyes of all you strangers. Or if my views on open relationships/ recreational drugs/ human-robot relations were just. too. radical.
Love at first site*
My profile is only 80% complete. According to threats from the sidebar it will remain at 80% until I write 500 words in my profile, upload five new photographs, and contact one million new hotties. I’m not trying to hear that. I’m not trying to write a college application essay here, or date every girl in the world. That shit’s exhausting. I’m just a lady trying to make a friend or two who like dinosaurs and stupid comedies and nerdy librarian stuff. C’est ca.
I assume online dating is popular in universes other than the queer one I inhabit here in Boston, but I assume to a lesser extent. Though a quick informal survey of my straight friends seems to indicate EVERYone is on this site(or others like it). We, the people, like that it’s free and that the interface is friendly, and that building your profile works like a personality quiz.
Several of my friends are currently in serious relationships that began on these social mixers of the interwebs. Some of these relationships have lasted longer than some of my other friends’ first marriages.
So what is it about this site that is so appealing to the lezbos and bros and queerties of Boston?
Well, for starters, a lot of us are on there. It’s like casting your net in the Atlantic instead of Jamaica Pond. It also has cool analytics, like a heat map showing which geographical locations would be most favorable to one, getting laid-wise. Everything’s coming up Boston. At least we know I made the right decision when I moved here last year.
Wait. They don't love you like I love you.
It’s a great way to pseudo-stalk lesbians in the area. That way, when you go out with your friends to Queeraoke you can point out everyone in the room you recognize from their profiles and maybe even include awkward message exchange anecdotes. See that lady over there? She likes to eat Triscuits in bed. Obvs a deal breaker with my wheat allergy.
The site acts as a tool for shrinking a kind of disparate, marginalized community. It’s our local coffee shop/ organic grocery store/ dive bar.
The demographic is young. And anything that gets popular is able to retain a momentum to a certain extent for that reason alone. Until something better comes along (RIP Myspace). You’re not going to use an unpopular dating site and significantly diminish your chances of meeting the ladydude of your dreams.
Plus, if you stick around long enough staying cute and answering questions and shit You get the following email:
We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.
We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working!
To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:
You’ll see more attractive people in your match result
This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.
Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head. ”
In what world would this NOT go to my head? The flattery of this site’s mass email is truly out of hand.
The analytics also compile a flowchart to your heart. Adorbs and it rhymes!
If you're paying!
According to my friend Jenny, “there is no other way to meet them because they all stay at home with their cats.” You gays, she’s so right. Just because you leave the closet doesn’t mean you leave the living room.
Sites like this make a semi-invisible community more visible to its members. And Boston, being a city of transplants, benefits because all queers need queer friends in their new city, and it’s always better to see a photo or to know before meeting if the person is a Nickleback fan. It’s inexcusable, no matter how pretty their face is.
Also, in case you’re just looking to nerd out, or are my 12-year-old sister, I hear there are really awesome Harry Potter quizzes.
* Art by the lovely and talented Alice.
staycutegirl 